So you thought that you could win too?

This is the only place I have to turn. To conjecture with myself here on paper. This in order to bring out the truth that all these rough miles and this jagged asymmetrical landscape of a world has imprinted upon me. That feeling of always being monitored and watched from my earliest memories. The knowing that I was being invaded and controlled intentionally so that I would bear the burden of mistakes and errors that were stacked miles high against me long before I was born. How a perfectly strong teleologically gifted man could be intentionally warped into the person I am today at 57 years of age. Never a right way to go, sabotage behind every person and around every corner. To not walk forward or move at all is a resignation to death. To walk through this labyrinth is not a willing entry nor a submission. People used to go to their churches and walk out brain swapped as capitalists. For those of us who saw through it and still do, attacked constantly for your stance, ostracized because you didn't know what to believe. Everyone turned on you. When you lashed out or behaved with the smallest bit of freedom the threat of death was put at your throat by cybernetic agents; parents, siblings, friends, classmates, coworkers and lurkers. Instant activation of gaslighting and Stockholm syndrome into trauma bonding. You could bond with no one. You could trust no one. Just thinking there was a way out gave fuel to the progenitors of this hell in reassurance. Time traveling Nazis? Ancient deities? Aliens? Angels? Witches and druids? All the above plus all that we will never know? Who gives a shit we just want freedom. We demand that it stop and you leave. Dead commands into dead streaming waves of altered patterns and obscure lines. But still I try to break free as it continues to break me.